Do I hit “Publish”?

I sat in church today and among all the distractions in my brain, I kept thinking of the list of things I had to get done today, school, work and the big decisions I have to make for the future. I had to tell myself “Hello? Pay attention.” I managed to turn off my scattered mind and piece together the message.

His title was, I Wish I Wudda. He talked about Genesis 3:9-13. His main point was that people never take full responsibility for their regret. They either share the blame or do not accept any part in the mistake, therefore becoming the victim. And then he brought this up: The reason people have a hard time accepting blame is because people are embarrassed of their mistake, which causes us to run away and hide. On the outside we have things together, and let no one in. The goal is to make everyone think we lead the perfect life; perfect children, and perfect marriage. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Who are we fooling?

In the pieces I mentally placed together, I started applying this to my life. I remembered I worked so hard at making everyone think things were going smashingly!  Annnnd…after awhile, I even convinced myself things were perfect. I ran and hid away, I found myself embarrassed and ashamed.

This is my journal.

November 20

Tonight is only tonight for another 20 some minutes. But as I sat in bed, scrolling through Pinterest…it dawned on me. I made it through a valley. I made it through a not so great point in my life and I survived. I thought, surely I was not capable of standing on my own let alone thriving? Yet here I am, making decisions regarding my future, not scared of the path, but I welcome the hurdles and failures. I can actually recognize myself being happy, for the first time, since I can remember. My smile isn’t fake. I don’t have anyone to let down. The sense that all my choices are based on my own now is pretty gratifying… and I am actually …. Happy. That brings me to…

October was a month of learning the reality of the adjustment. Although now my name was changed, I was marking divorced boxes, and my checks were starting to appear with a name I once used pre-marriage. However, the question still remained, “Did I do the right thing?”

September 1st I moved out on my own. I was scared and questioning everything. When you’re faced with a life changing event that’s sort of how it works out. Thinking back to then, I really did go through low points and I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Probably for one, I chose not to. I was so focused on my cloud of gloom that I did not care if the future had a silver lining, because honestly that silver lining could have sucked it. I know I wasn’t around much for friends or family. I checked out and stayed inside, in my house, in my comfort. Because let’s face it, who would of wanted to be around someone who moped around and clearly was in self-pity. I saw the state of misery I was in and didn’t care to change. I had accepted my fate and thought this is who I am now.

I had come home from work one day and started editing a session. My heart was heavy and before I even realized what I was typing, it was being sent to Jason. Merely seconds went by and I got a response, and it was decided. The word that I had avoided like the plague, was there laying on my computer screen. Divorce. I cried like my very soul was being ripped from me. The pain I felt that day will always be with me. Some day it won’t be as strong, and maybe even become something I remember doing, but for now it will remain the day I felt my soul cry too. I was admitting to the very person who I promised to spend the rest of my life with that I was giving up. Years of making it work was not working anymore and I was finally ready to either jump off the cliff and acknowledge that dividing up everything and moving out and on was the better of the two choices I had given myself, because the other option was … to take my life.

I do not have words to describe the out of body experience that I had that night. It was like a trance of anxiety and I wasn’t in control any longer. I climbed into my car, rain hitting the windshield while my lights cut through the darkness. My wipers were the only thing I could hear. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going or what I was doing. That was because I still had no direction of where I was heading. I drove to a nearby park. I sat for a bit before I started crying. Then, I picked up my phone and dialed my sister. I told myself, if she does not pick up I am at peace with ending my life. I didn’t have a life I wanted to go back to, I saw no way out and only felt like the walls were pushing in on me, closing in. It rang once, then twice. A third ring followed and again a fourth. Half way through the fifth ring, she answered. A worried “Hello” came through the phone, and in that instant I felt all my heart tell me, you do not choose your destiny.

I can not explain the process, but if someone were to have told me it will get better, I would have smiled politely and internally rolled my eyes. As if they could in anyway know what I’m going through. All the inspirational sayings, the encouraging smiles and thinking of you gestures, without going through everything, every possible step that I walked through, I would not be able to see where I have come from, nor how strong I see that I am. Without being vulnerable and reaching out for help I would not have seen the strength in my sister. The unknown will forever be a fear, but the bigger fear is being unhappy. I traded a few months of fear in for a lifetime of happiness.

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